The Moment

My thigh on yours, your palm in mine.

Tucked between your arms, I think I'll stay.

It's simply the moment, my soul begins to flake between your fingers.

Skin burns against breath,

Trace melted trails amid many nooks.

Sanity in this room, no longer remains.

Heart beats meet shoulder blades,

Hands intertwine. The luxury of time

Meets the infinite number; the particles of life.

Lashes beat and lungs exhale.

Hopes are high, expectations higher still.

Tucked tighter more, this moment can't stay.

The clock comes to life, traffic rushes by.

One arm falls limp, followed by his brother.

Tick. Tick. Tick.

My tears, they may fall against a rosy cheek.

The flakes, they float from fingers to floor.

This moment shall be, never more.

Designer Jeans & Fake Eyelashes

“Jessica, you know I love you. Don’t you ever forget that.” Damn bear.

I thought I had things in order. I thought I had it finally figured out. I thought I was over you and I thought that I was beyond caring about what the bear has to say. Will I ever have it all put together? Will I ever be able to walk away? Or will you always be the last thing on my mind before I fall asleep? Will I always care if you would approve of my latest haircut and will I forever wonder if you like my new shoes?

What defines what we feel? Is it really in our heart? Or does it have more to do with our circumstances? If I were with someone more worth while, would I still long for your touch? Would I still think of you when he is inside of me? Would I wish for your scent to tickle my senses and would I picture your face behind my closed lids as he presses his mouth to mine?

I miss you. I miss the way my name sounds when it slips past your lips. I miss your gaze. I miss being adored by you. I want you to say how much you love me. I really miss pretending. I miss pretending that we would always be a “we”. I miss fighting with you because I knew it meant we really cared. I miss the way you held my hand. I miss the way you held me. It’s simple. I miss you.

It doesn’t matter how I try to fill this hole, nothing is ever going to fit. I guess you can think of me as Miss Goldie Locks. Everything is too big or too small, too hot or too cold, too hard or too soft. You are the only thing that fits just right.

As for that bear... that damn lying bear, I think I may allow her to come out from underneath the bed. As you know, she has been banished for telling tall tales. But, I’m thinking a little lie here and there never hurt anyone. Everyone needs to feel loved. Even the bear.

Ghost

Your ghost is breathing down my neck and making my hairs rise again. Your icy fingertips trace my spine and prick my soul with compunction. I stumble and fall as I am running from your existence, denying your presence and pretending this never was. Your shadow stalks and stifles my only chance at happiness.

I demand change from repetition. Like a dog returning to vomit to lap it up and duplicate past mistakes. I eat your words without question, and wonder why my insides start to churn and spill from my lips. Yet here I am, licking and kissing the ground. I don't want to neglect one drop.

My world is swirling and the chaos consumes my life. The very moment I believe that I can see the sun, you push my face tighter to the ground and I begin to breathe in the dirt. The musty scent fills my lungs and I start to long for your touch on the back of my head. It's all that I know.

What is this monster that is devouring my sanity? I know better than this. I know that you will never make me happy; you can never give me what I need. Yet, I run to you and I crave the madness.

Please tell me why. Why must your vulgar voice whisper in my ear before I fall asleep? Those nasty words I've tried to forget, they ring in my brain. They reverberate and spring from the walls of my skull. You are a banshee, a ghoul that screams and rips my heart from my chest.

I am begging for you to leave me be, to let me bandage and paste the splinters of my broken ribs back together. Please, please just leave me alone.

A Need to Be Broken

Is there a need, like any other, a need to feel broken inside? Could there be a need to be torn apart, just as soon as things are put back together? Is it the same as the need for food, water and shelter?

Or is it a choice, but why would he want to feel broken? Why would he want to be shattered to the core? Ripped apart and exposed for the world to see. Could he crave for his insides to be spread along the sidewalk, out there in the open for scrutiny?

Why would he pick and dig at the scab, over and over again, to feel the blood pool and pour down his limbs? His very life flowing and trickling, it's dripping from his cold fingertips.

Boy, why are you so sad? Why do you cry and weep, when there is no sane reason behind your pain? Why must you sit in your corner to wallow in long ago memories? Memories when the sun shone brightly and kissed your freckled skin?

Boy, run outside. You will see the world is still dazzling, even though it may be night. See how the moon illuminates your rosy cheeks? Boy, look down at your silver skin; oh how it shines and lights up my world.

Boy, there is no need for you to be broken, for you to cry or for you to bleed. No, there never was a need to be broken. Only a need to be found.

Puppies n' Purses

What a weekend!! It was just the break I was looking for...

Everything started off just right when I picked Jake up Thursday night. We talked all night and watched one of my all time favorites, Happy Feet. The next morning we got up and made breakfast then got ready, and finally ended up at the Gateway mall. He picked out a cute birthday present for himself at Abercrombie and made a quick stop for some DDR. We then met up with Tyana & Cassie, and enjoyed a quick game of softball before heading to Stone Ground for some pizza and drinks.

Saturday Jake had to meet up with his National Guard troop for some training, so I stayed home and played with Shady and Nitro. Nitro is the newest addition to the Hansen/Gleave clan... He is adorable! While I was getting ready for the day, he snuggled up inside my purse for a little cat nap.

Later that night, Jake and I went to my grandpa's house to visit my dad and brothers. We played board games and caught up on all of the family gossip.

Sunday, Jake had to leave again for the National Guard training, so I slept in and picked up the house. My mom came home that night, so we all had dinner together and filled everyone in on the "Jake & Jess" situation. : )

So now, here it is Monday, and I am back at work. It's nice to be back home, but of course I am sad at the same time to be away from all of the excitement, and I look forward to going home to Richfield very soon!!

Hope all is well!

J

All I Can Say...

All I can say is, "...Please God, let this day be over and done with." I am ready for my 3-day weekend. I have more than earned it.

Something to leave you with...

“I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world.” -Albert Einstein

P.S. Word of the day: Fantabulous

Rantings Of A Tired Woman...

Today has been one of those days... the kind of day that is too long from the moment you hop out of bed. I'm ready to go home, throw on some jammies and tuck myself into bed.

Something to leave you with:

"Night, the beloved. Night, when words fade and things come alive. When the destructive analysis of day is done, and all that is truly important becomes whole and sound again. When man reassembles his fragmentary self and grows with the calm of a tree." ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Just thought I would share... Sweet dreams!

It's Raining... It's Pouring...

Happy late Saint Patty's Day (also known as my half birthday)! I'm headed home to the land of Rich for the weekend. I'm very excited to get away for a few days. I've felt trapped, and it will be nice to just relax and kick it with the fam.

Do you ever get the feeling we are just "faking it"? Like an actor in your own story? I feel like I've been watching the production of my life, all the while munching on a bucket of stale popcorn.

I'm so ready for change. To move away from this boring, stagnant stink-hole I call my day to day life. Seattle anyone?

Silver Lining

The most recent addition to my collection...

I’m dancing in the silver lining of your sweet face. Twirling it in my fingers and waiting for it to burst, waiting for my body to burst. I’m waiting to explode at the very touch of your lovely fingertips tracing my every curve.

I love to play in the swirling brown curls. Lose myself in the madness of blue, the deepest blue I have ever seen. Or was it green? I want to know if I can trust the madness. I can believe the green, but never the blue.

Back again to the pillows that form your candy mouth. I’ll be unable to find my tongue as we make pretzels and bows with every kiss. How sweet would it be? I would let you keep my soul as a souvenir, to always remind you of what you will never call your own.

I map every freckle and every line. I am drawing the constellations of my heart on your buttery skin. Every vein bulges with desire and want for the forbidden fruit. Come here boy, I have something I would like to show you.

Watch as the world around our bodies melts away. The smell of your sweat stings my nose and I breathe you in. Your aftertaste swims in my mouth as I whisper your name, and beg for you to take me again. I can see my fate spinning in your untrustworthy eyes.

I giggle at your hair as it stands on end. The static created by skin rubbing skin is almost overwhelming. Butterfly and Eskimo kisses, what more could we ask for? I've finally snuck you between my sheets, and that’s where I plan to hide your beautiful body. No, I will not let you go.

Did I live up to your fantasies? I want to paint a mural of this moment and capture each sigh and every moan. I want to paint your bed head and keep a piece of you with me always. I will make my hide your canvas and needle the ink of your deception onto my bones.

Again, please touch me there again. Run your hands up my side and across my breast. Breath on my neck, please breathe on my neck one more time. Kiss my thigh and make me shake. Trace my lips with your tongue, please leave me wanting more. Make me beg.

Will these stolen moments ever seem wrong? I know they are wrong, my brain tells me so. The incessant clamoring of my heart drowns out any sensibility I may have once possessed. Like sugar slipping through my fingers, you were never meant to be held for long. I will tell myself anything I want to hear, just to justify your presence.

I am dancing in the silver lining of your sweet face. Twirling it in my fingers and waiting for it to burst, waiting for my body to burst. I’m waiting to explode at the very touch of your lovely fingertips tracing my every curve.

Never is a Promise

“Be as a bird perched on a frail branch that she feels bending beneath her, still she sings away all the same, knowing she has wings.” -Victor Hugo

One year, one whole year has passed and I am stronger than I ever thought possible. I have learned so much and I cherish the lessons, each and every one. No matter how many tears, no matter how afraid I may have been, no matter what I may have lost.

There will always be a hole in my heart, and I will never feel complete until I hold you in my arms again. You are my Sunshine, my only Sunshine.

Where I have been and where I am going, no one knows. All I can do is take what you have given me and take another step. I know there will be many more mistakes and a number of lessons along the way. You will always be in my heart and on the back of my mind. There are little reminders everywhere I turn, this is one more specifically for you. Never is a Promise, and you can't afford to lie.

Something Peculiar For Your Tastebuds...

I have a feeling tonight may be a bit random for all of us. Stay with me, we'll get through it.

As promised, Tyana and I went apartment hunting Saturday. Ok, not really... we were distracted by a fancy lunch at the Dodo and the glitzy window displays of Anthropology. In other words, a beautiful day. (Side note: It was a much-needed tangent of a day, because we had previously made up for our lack of "search" on Thursday. Many possibilities.)

Speaking of tangents, I have a few that are aching to escape.

"It is easy to hate and it is difficult to love. This is how the whole scheme of things works. All good things are difficult to achieve; and bad things are very easy to get."- Rene Descartes

Have you ever truly thought about our basic human instinct? Is it unnatural to be good, to honestly be a good person? I believe it takes work, and it is something we need to strive and work toward every day of our lives. I would love to trust in human nature, even more, I would love to believe in the integrity of all man kind. It's so sad, and yet so humbling to think of what primal creatures we are.

Please do not misinterpreted what I am trying to say. Yes, we do have good qualities amongst the terrible. And yes, you can stumble across a good dead without a lot of work. The truth is it is easier to lie and manipulate than to stand up and defy the popular vote. It is easier to turn away than to share your shoulder with a stranger in need. It is tempting to taste the forbidden fruit, knowing that it is forbidden for a reason. It is far more pleasant to pretend that reason doesn't exist, and you deserve a taste of the fruit. After all, you have earned it because you have been such a 'good' person. See where I am going with this?

"It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg. We are like eggs at present. And you cannot go on indefinitely being just an ordinary, decent egg. We must be hatched or go bad."-C.S. Lewis

On a more jovial note.

“There’s a huge hole in the whole Flood drama, because anything that could float or swim got away scot-free, and it was the idea to wipe out everything, He didn’t say, “I will kill everything, except the floating ones and the swimming ones, who will get out due to a loophole.””-Eddie Izzard

I don't have much to go along with Eddie, I just wanted to point you in a different direction.

Please remember, you were pre-warned... :) Have a fabulous day!